The Portland Not-Exactly-Express: Day 1 - Capital S

I'm going to warn you now, I'm going to use the word shit a lot in this post. It's not that things have gone so bad already that i can only resort to cussing. It's just the only word that can accurately describe what i need to say. But I'm getting ahead of myself. The shit doesn't come until later. The short of it is that I'm in Washington DC tonight, but let's start at the beginning.

My vacation started at nearly midnight last night when I got on the train in South Carolina and then spent the next 9 hours swaying back and forth in a seat that was only marginally more comfortable than one on an airplane. While the seats on the train are considerably roomier than their plane counterparts, they are just as likely to cause a severe case of Sore Ass rather quickly. Despite that, i was extremely surprised that I managed to collect a few hours of sleep over the course of the trip. I have no idea how much sleep I actually got, but it was enough to make it through the day without crashing. This was a good thing because I ended up walking way more than i really needed to. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm geographically challenged and don't know north from south without a compass. Add to this the fact that it took me way longer than it should have to realize that there's a difference between northeast and northwest. I know that sounds pretty obvious, but i didn't know that you could have two places with the same basic address (let's say the corner of 7th and F St. for example) that are 2 or 3 miles away and the only difference is that NE or NW at the end.  The result was me ending up walking at least 5 miles trying to find my way around DC.

That theoretical corner of 7th and F St.? That's the address of the International Spy Museum; the first landmark that was on my itinerary for the day. After randomly stumbling into a conveniently located hotel, because i didn't book anything for this trip since i didn't know exactly where or when I'd be somewhere, I discovered I was only a few hundred feet away from a Metro station that would take me exactly where i wanted to go. I couldn't have found the hotel at a better time as I had spent the last hour and 2 miles lugging around all my luggage (which consists of a backpack with 5 days of clothes and sundries, a sling bag of all my gadgetry, and a heavy winter coat that it was too warm to wear) and I had reached a point where i just didn't feel like lugging all that crap another step. 20 minutes later i was standing in front of the Spy Museum. The museum was both incredibly entertaining and informative, but also a bit disappointing. What i had really wanted was a tongue-in-cheek homage to spycraft with a smattering of random items turned into guns, some Hollywood spy memorabilia, and maybe some interesting if not unlikely spy legends. What i got was a stylish and well thought setting that seriously looked at what spies do for their countries, how they do it, and what its like to be a spy. The museum starts out with a Mission Impossible styled setting introducing you to the world of spycraft with exhibits depicting tools of the trade throughout history (including random items turned into guns). You are introduced to various concepts through History Channel style short films, and then given a chance to try your hand at some basic spy work through some fun interactive exhibits. The museum then moves into a historical look at spies and their uses throughout history from ancient China, to Victorian Europe, to the American Civil War, and even postulating on what the future holds for the spy world. When i was done i felt guilty for being disappointed because it was a really well done museum with lots of great exhibits and doing it in style all the while.

Once i was done with the Spy Museum, which took about 2 hours, i was ready for my first culinary adventure of the vacation. For my first food outing i went with the supposedly world famous Florida Avenue Grill. While i cant really attest to its world fame, the grill is regionally famed for its southern comfort and soul food. Looking over the menu in side the narrow but comfortably cramped diner i saw something i had never had but had always wanted to try - chitlins (or chiterlings as they called it). I figured that if anyone could prepare pig intestines so they were palatable if not delicious it would a famed soul food diner. When the plate was put on the counter in front of me i was overwhelmed...by the wafting scent of shit. I don't mean that they simply smelled bad, i mean they literally smelled like shit. Now i tried, i really did. I tried them plain. I tried them soaked in vinegar, soat in hot sauce, and soaked in both. No matter what i did, nothing could cut through and cover the taste of shit. I kept taking breaks and trying to clear my mouth put with the sides on the plate. I had a heaping side of pretty tasty mac 'n cheese, nut the real surprise was a heaping pile of absolutely delicious collard greens. Now unless your my mom you probably don't know that i despise cooked greens. Collard, mustard, even spinach l i hate them. But these were fantastic- until i got down to the bottom pf the pile of greens where they were mingling in the shit juices of the chitlins. When they ruined that magic moment i gave up. The chitlins beat me. The sweet potato pie i ordered to try and get the taste out of my mouth almost made up for it. Almost.
When i left the Florida Ave. Grill i decided i was going tp walk back to my hotel. I had looked at the map earlier and Florida Ave. Ran right up to my hotel. It should have been a straight shot. Unfortunately Florida stops being Florida for a while and I embarked on a 3 mile detour around Howard University and through various neat little neighborhoods. When i finally got back i was tired, sore, and ready to call it quits.  With a sleep deficit and a few miles under my belt i just didn't have any more in me. Unfortunately that means i wont make one of the thimgs i wanted to see - an honest to goodness burlesque  show complete with swinging tassles and dirty jokes. Maybe another time.